Tom Cruise

Holy crap, I can't believe how popular the Celebrity Death Poll has become. The word has really gotten around in a big way, here's how big I'm talking. The other day, I received a phone call from the head of Virgin Records, Sir Richard Branson. He said Xenu and I have a proposition for you...

It seems as if Richard's recent "space venture" is actually just a cover for his numerous space trips as of late. Apparently, Sir Branson has become quite close to Lord Xenu over the past couple of years. Xenu is of course, the divine power and ruling entity over the Scientology cult here on Earth. Both Branson and Xenu are huge fans of money, and interstellar travel, so they've basically become best friends. It appears that Sir Richard has also gotten Lord Xenu familiar with Earth's television programming via high-tech ultra satellite systems. It turns out that Xenu is a huge fan of TMZ and E! Entertainment, which leads us to the next chapter in CDP: Underground...Tom Cruise.

Xenu has grown to despise Tom Cruise and the image he's cast on Scientology. If it's one thing Xenu can't stand, it's humiliation, and Cruise is causing nothing but. Branson told Xenu about my celebrity disposal program, and immediately got the go-ahead. Lord Xenu put together a fleet of aliens and gave the orders to snatch Mr. Cruise and bring him back to the fortress. Upon arrival, Tom was sedated and escorted onto an operating table. He was strapped in and stripped down as a team of alien surgeons shuffled into the room and began dissecting him. I immediately noticed that Tom didn't have any genitalia. I looked towards Xenu and asked "Well, then who's baby Suri's dad?" Xenu gave me a sly grin and winked.

Thanks to the help of two powerful intergalactic juggernauts, Sir Richard Branson and Lord Xenu (you little hound dog). This was literally an out-of-this-world experience, and very helpful to both humans and aliens alike.