Richard Simmons

Richard Simmons has been a thorn in the nuts of society for decades now…and apparently he hasn’t gone away…yet. Recently, he’s done the media rounds appearing on shows like Howard Stern, Jimmy Kimmel, Entertainment Tonight, and of course David Letterman. Now, he’s in new commercials, and has discovered a possible resurrection of his weight-loss based career and popularity. Unfortunately, his outfits and hair have come back with him.

This month, the Celebrity Death Poll: Underground has set its sights on Mr. Simmons and his nut-hugging short-shorts. Apparently, he’s filming some sort of makeover reality show where his goal is to get an obese individual to turn their life around, and become physically fit. I happen to know a few people that could use a weight-loss program, but none more than my buddy Artie Lange. However, both Artie and I know that he ain’t losing any weight anytime soon…however; we both share distaste for Richard Simmons, so we knew what we had to do. We sent Artie’s application tape into the show, and knew that his celebrity status would help him get the gig. We were right.

When Richard and the guys got to Artie’s place, they began filming and getting basic questions out of the way. We then piled into a van and headed out to one of Artie’s favorite snack-spots, McDonalds. Richard was gabbing on and on about the dangers of fast food as I poured a pint of ipecac into a smoothie that he had just ordered for himself. While he sucked down his puke-inducing beverage, Artie and I couldn’t help but notice the shriveled up set of balls drooping out of his tiny little sequined shorts. It didn’t take more than a few moments before Mr. Simmons was making ill faces and sour looks. Seconds later, the ipecac took full effect, and Richard was spewing like a stool pigeon.

I snapped a quick pic before it got too nasty, and from the looks of it, Richard’s already been a little nasty today. As his guts, blood, and bile began to coat the floor, we made our exit. Somebody at the restaurant started shooting arrows at Mr. Simmons while we fled. Perhaps it was to put him out of his misery. The producers were left with quite a mess to clean up and an unfinished pilot episode to a terrible new pile of reality show shit. Thanks to Artie Lange for making this CDP: Underground a possibility…but watch it Artie, you’re beginning to topple the scales, and that food may actually come back to kill YOU.