Yeeeesh!! When the Celebrity Death Poll goes “Underground”, we don’t usually stoop to these levels of low. You know we’re scraping the barrel of what is being considered a celebrity these days when the Octomom becomes almost as widespread as the swine flu. Unfortunately, this current strain of the recent “famous-for-nothing” epidemic has no cure. Your treatment options are very limited. You can take antibiotics and give the virus sufficient time to fade away, get rid of your television, or catch Octo-Fever and die. Well…we both know that my TV isn’t going anywhere and I don’t have health insurance, so it looks like I’m opting for death...the death of Nadya “Octomom” Suleman.
First thing’s first…I don’t want to come anywhere near this nasty Petri dish of man-made medical mishaps, so I’m hiring some help. I found my “helper” (who asked to remain anonymous) on Craigslist, and he’s a self proclaimed genius. He also happens to be an inventor with a “mad scientist complex”…his words, not mine. When I informed him of the Octo-target for this month’s Death Poll, he told me that he already had the perfect gadget to use for her smiting. I had no idea what to expect considering I’m unfamiliar with his earlier work, but I was intrigued to say the least.
I went and rented a room at a local Motel 6 where I had set up a romantic encounter for a little later between her Octo-highness and our mystery-helper-mad-scientist-guy. Apparently my hired help’s death contraption actually required eight thirsty mouths in order to work. He said it was originally constructed for a lactation fetish group called Lactosexuals, but he modified it to go a little deeper for this execution. Naturally, Nadya would bring the babies along in case the paparazzi were to want any snapshots of her involving them in “scandalous behavior”. Unbeknownst to her though, these weren’t her real kids…these were little robo-babies that we swapped out in the middle of the night. Octomom never even knew the difference. Once she was drunk and passed out, my handyman propped her up in a papasan chair he brought from home and set the robo-babies in her Octo-lap. He quickly connected the Octo-Sucker 3000XP to her milk filled breasts and then to the babies. Each baby-bot holds a pint of liquid and as soon as he switched them on, they began sucking with a fury.
My unnamed helper-guy snapped a photo for me as Octomom began to dry up. He said that he found a “to-do list” in her purse and thought it’d be funny to tack it up next to her in the photo. Good job buddy, and thanks for making this truly one of the most disgusting and disturbing death’s yet. Thank God I never had to make any sort of actual physical contact with this walking germ incubator. Judging by this image, I think it’s safe to say that Octomom will be spending tonight at the Motel “Deep” 6. You’re welcome.