The Cast of Jersey Shore

Sometimes…not often, but on occasion there is an option on the Celebrity Death Poll that almost gives people no choice but to click on it. I thought I had picked the winner before the poll was even posted. Clearly it was going to be Jon and Kate (of baby-making fame)…or even Tiger Woods…..but Jersey Shore?! By a landslide?!?! Damn, these kids have gotten much bigger than originally anticipated. The votes are in, and I now know what I must do; eradicate the burnt sienna toned, booze binging, self proclaimed Guido’s and Guidettes from the “reality” show Jersey Shore.

Some of Jersey Shore’s current cast members have become quite well known (punch lines) individually in the media and are subsequently asking for boat-loads of cash. As luck would have it, the show’s second season just wrapped and MTV is looking to replace the entire cast before shooting a third. As soon as my secretary explained the Celebrity Death Poll and how it works to the executives over at MTV, they jumped on board faster than Snooki can chug a jar of olive oil. We worked out an evening where we could get everybody from the show together to shoot “Promotional Photos” for the upcoming season. What better way to take out an entire group of greasy drunk Guidouches at once, than to put them all into the hot tub and tossing in a few plugged in appliances? This was going to be electric!!

The day had finally arrived and so had most of the cast, I couldn’t be more excited. As our targets made themselves comfy, the crew made sure that liquor and beer kept flowing heavily into their filthy mouths. Once the photographer got everybody into the tub, the madness started. Snooki and J WOWW began arguing because both of them were trying to give The Situation a handjob under the bubbles. DJ Pauly D wasn’t too happy about that considering his hand was currently inside Snooki’s ass. Ronnie didn’t notice anything but the cameras. As the bickering and slurred speech got louder, our photographer cued the blender and toaster. We quickly tossed them into the water and watched the fireworks. Booze was spilled, eyeballs were popped, photos were snapped, and the Jersies were juiced!!!

I’d like to be the first to say thank you to MTV for helping me set up such an elaborate Death Poll execution. How would I have ever gotten these five sleazeballs drunk and into a hot tub without them? At least we know that these particular Guidipshits will never pollute the satellites or cable boxes with their sweaty orange sheen again. Thanks to everybody that voted, the crew from the set, and the photographer…we’ve all just helped make the Jersey Shore a little bit cleaner.