Hulk Hogan

Dick Starr here, back once again to wreak havoc on pop culture’s festering hemorrhoids. This afternoon, I received an e-mail from my long time hunting buddy, and rock n’ roll legend Ted Nugent. He asked if I had any plans on how I was going to take out Hulk Hogan now that the Hulkster had been declared the victor of my most recent “Celebrity Death Poll”. Ted said he was very interested in adding the iconic has-been’s skin to his massive collection of pelts and heads. He offered to take me on an all expense paid “Nugent style” safari to capture our Hulka-trophy. I couldn’t refuse.

After being flown in to meet up with Ted, we hopped into his private helicopter and headed for the jungle of Miami. On the ride over we put on our camouflage make up, rubber overalls, and bug repellent. Once we landed, he grabbed the biggest arrows he could find and a bow to match ‘em. I asked why we weren’t using an elephant gun or something, and he replied “Because, we don’t want to ruin such a wonderful pelt.” This was gonna be fun. We made it through the marshy terrains, past the alligators, and up to the Hulka-mansion. Neither of us knew when the elusive Hulkster would come outside into the Florida sun, but judging by the purple-ish orange sheen of his leathery skin, it couldn’t be too long. We were in luck. The Hogan Knows Best camera crew was eating lunch, and Mr. Hogan was sunning in the back by the pool. Ted said “This is going to be easier than shooting cats in a barrel.”

His left arm hoisted the bow upward as his other arm began to pull the arrow back. Ted releases it with such fury that the arrow goes completely through both 4 inch thick sides of Hulk Hogan’s skull before stopping. I couldn’t believe how quickly it was all over with. Somebody obviously hasn’t been “sayin’ their prayers or eating their vitamins.” Twenty minutes later, we were back at the copter with our payload. Ted flew me home and said he’d email me the pictures once he finished treating the Hulka-leather and mounting the Hulka-head. Ted Nugent is a madman; these pics were in my e-mail the next morning. Whatcha Gonna Do Brother? Whatcha gonna do, when Hulkamania is officially thru?!