George Lopez

The newest victim of the Celebrity Death Poll Underground is someone that actually started getting on my nerves before I even knew who he was. Commercials air nightly for his syndicated sitcom where the laughter is always canned. The sheer size of his head alone takes up three fourths of the T.V. screen. I’m obviously talking about George Lopez.

I received orders from upstairs to put this guy on ice, and I had the perfect help lined up. I enlisted in the services of the ever-sinister Vinnie Jones to execute (the not-so-cute) Mr. Lopez. When I mentioned the target to Vinnie, he told me what he wanted to do almost immediately. Fresh from Clive Barker’s Midnight Meat Train where Jones plays a killer butcher, his plan was definitely cold, gruesome, and evil to the core.

As George was heading home for the evening on the late train, Vinnie bashed in the back of his planet sized head, and at the final stop, drug his body to a subterranean slaughterhouse where he carves up the meat of those selected. Not many people know this, but Vinnie Jones is a master of all tools in the bloody butcher trade. That being said, it was chilling to watch him hack and slash his way through George with only 3 swings of a machete. Wow, even Vinnie was struggling to lift the massive head of Mr. Lopez onto the counter in the cooler. It wasn’t over yet, Vinnie decided to yank out George’s eyes and preserve them so they could watch as their own enormous head rots away…brutal.

Thanks to the help Vinnie Jones, syndication is the only time we’ll ever have to be subjected to George Lopez’s tortuously bland and unfunny brand of humor ever again. You’re welcome.