Criss Angel
This is not an illusion, don’t adjust your monitors…Criss Angel is officially about to disappear courtesy of the Celebrity Death Poll. The voting was overwhelmingly in support of banishing this wannabe rock star magical hack we’ve all come to know and loath. I had numerous candidates in mind to help me out with the execution, but it came down to Hugh Hefner and Perez Hilton. I needed somebody that is as evil and cruel-minded as me, as pop-culture-vulturous as me, plus shares a strong distaste for Criss...I phoned up the founder and president of Perezhilton.com.

Perez and I decided to meet up in Vegas and plan out the entire event over cocktails. Criss Angel was going to be performing a sidewalk magic show the following day outside of the Luxor, so we’d have to act fast in setting this up. We spent the rest of the evening talking with Criss’ assistants and producers making sure that they would be on the same page as we were. Perez even had a few alterations made to a famous contraption used in magic acts for decades…this should turn out really well.

The day was upon us, and with only minutes to go, Perez and I were giggling like a couple of axe wielding escaped lunatics on prom night. Cameras were rolling, and a small crowd of hired actors had formed to greet the ass clown illusionist as he made his entrance. Criss Angel explained to the audience that his producers thought it would be a good idea for him to perform a classic trick before boring them all to tears with cards. He then climbed into a magician’s box with three compartments. Once Criss was locked in, his hot little assistant Melina grabbed a saw from the duffel bag and began feverishly carving into the flesh of this fallen Angel. Criss started screaming as blood squirt from the contraption and coated the floor beneath him.

Once the deed was done and the final cut had been made, Melina separated the compartments and opened the curtains to reveal the bloody pieces of an arrogant, talentless, pretty-boy; Christopher Sarantakos aka Criss Angel. The hired crowd began cheering, whistling, and clapping just like they’re paid to do on every episode, however, this was no illusion and there would be no encore. I’d like to thank Perez Hilton and the Luxor for helping to make this a reality. I’d also like to thank everybody that voted for this first class douche-bag, his demise was nothing shy of magical, and his show just went poof!