Jessica & Ashlee Simpson

I received an e-mail from my buddy Nick Lachey the other day, reminding me that the “Celebrity ‘Sibling’ Death Poll” was about to end. Wow, I hadn’t heard from Mr. Lachey since he was in 98 Degrees. I suddenly realized why Nick had personally contacted me…the Simpson girls must’ve won. Sure enough, these dismal divas were voted as the next pair of celebs to have the proverbial bucket kicked for them.

Nick and his brother Drew picked me up the following day in a sleek stretched Hummer. We had invited the girls to out for lunch and told them to meet us at the docks by the old warehouse. Apparently, that wasn’t a strange request considering the lengths they go through to avoid paparazzi on a daily basis. However, in this case, the five of us wouldn’t be carpooling to a five star restaurant or private club…the warehouse was as far as we were going. The Lachey brothers had made several MySpace posts and e-mails to their wealthy friends/businessmen telling them to meet us at the rundown facility for a night of brutality.

Since I don’t believe in violence against women, we opted to lock both Jessica and Ashlee in a big crate and just let them kill each other. We explained to the ladies that after the fight, the remaining sister would be pardoned and given a new reality show on VH1. The soulless wenches took no convincing, as they’d been waiting a long time for a moment like this. Once the bets were placed, we were ready to rumble. The girls tore clothes and flesh. They bit skin, eye gouged, drew blood, kicked, and scratched each other in classic “catfight” style. The hair pulling lead to bone breaking, and soon enough, they were pulling out one anothers organs. The cage door broke off and limbs went flying out into the crowd. In true one-ups-man-ship form, the siblings were equally destroyed, and slowly bled out while glaring across the box at each other. It was a draw!! Nick, Drew and I were the only spectators walking away with any cash, and both Jessica and Ashlee Simpson were dead. Hoorah!