Angelina Jolie

Goodness, I had no idea how despised this woman had actually become until seeing the results of this most recent Death Poll. It seems as though her current “Mother Teresa-ish” public persona isn’t as convincing as it once was or else she wouldn’t have collected almost forty percent of the votes, no? You guys and gals have spoken very loud and very clearly this time around, so now Angelina Jolie is to become the next victim of the C.D.P.!

In order to set up an execution of this magnitude I’d have to phone in a few favors. The first person I called was a longtime pal of mine known simply as “Lou”. He owns a tavern in Delaware complete with a basement perfect for fighting in. After I secured the location, I just needed to find an appropriate executioner/fighter. I texted my “Hollywood” buddy Edward Norton to see if he had any interest in helping me rid the world of Mrs. Jolie once and for all. Ed was on Twitter within minutes announcing that he was flying out the next day for an “ass whipping”. Upon that update, I e-mailed Angelina’s people about a private black market baby sale taking place in the basement of Lou’s Tavern the following day. They confirmed that she’d be there. I assume that means it’s on!

The following afternoon, Mr. Norton and I were planning out the day’s mayhem when my iDrone phone alerted me that Angelina Jolie was en route to Lou’s Tavern. Lou was there to greet our guest when she arrived (he’s been dying to meet Angelina ever since he saw the movie Gia) and lead her down to the basement for the “baby sale”. Edward Norton had already switched into full fledged Tyler Durden mode by the time she reached the bottom of the steps. Without any warning, he pounced on her and began pummeling the overrated actress unmercifully. Me, Lou, and Meatloaf aka “Bitch Tits” took care of Jolie’s security guards while Tyler beat and literally ripped Angelina in half!! Just when I thought it was all over, Mr. Durden drug her lifeless torso into a corner and promptly began relieving himself. Wow, maybe Edward is just channeling Brad Pitt. I stuck a bar of Paper Street Soap into her mouth…to clean things up a bit.

After snapping the photo, I made my exit alongside Ed Norton and Lou while some of the new Fight Club pledges cleaned up the scene and disposed of the evidence. Well, I guess Angelina won’t be snatching any more babies (or husbands for that matter), making any more awful Hollywood box-office flops, or reinventing herself (again) anytime soon. I really want to thank all of the people that came through on this Death Poll: Edward Norton/Tyler, Meatloaf, Lou, and of course…YOU!! Without your votes, how the hell would I know who needs to go next?