Andy Dick

Yesterday morning, while smoking a cigarette on my porch, I was greeted by a fat carrier pigeon. Who in the hell still sends messages with carrier pigeons? Apparently my buddy, actor/comedian Jon Lovitz does. He states in the note that this is the safest way to get a hold of me without being traced back to him. Either way, he reminds me that my newest Death Poll had finished with Andy Dick as the victor. Wow, I guess that means the poll must’ve ended about a week or so ago.

I knew we had to pull this one off quickly considering the 7 day time limit. *If the winning celebrity isn’t executed within a week of being chosen…their lives are spared.* Here at, we can’t have any of that nonsense. I quickly put the word out, and in no time, received an anonymous call to the blood red Starr Phone. It seems that Andy Dick is heading to a billiards hall in a small college town nearby. When I got to the bar, a small crowd had already gathered because it appears that an “unknown assailant” attacked Mr. Dick in the parking lot outside. I walked in through the door and made my way towards the bar. Andy was drinking a dirty martini and doing lines of coke while slumped over on a barstool. Just as I got within range, a short and chubby man dressed in a ninja suit ran out from the men’s room and right up behind the strung-out, has-been. In a swift and fluid motion, the mystery man swooped a line of chicken wire around Dick’s neck and popped his head off like a cork.

Blood painted the ceiling as the skinny head of Andy Dick flopped onto the bar in front of him. As quickly as the “ninja” had appeared, he was gone. The crowd gasped and applause broke out among the patrons. Some people even had their cell phones up snapping pictures and getting video. Wow, this edition of the Celebrity Death Poll really shaped up nicely. In closing, I’d just like to say, “Andy, from one Dick to another, SUCK IT!!”